Don’t Be a Loser Lobster

There are two types of people – victors and victims. Which one are you?

The unintuitive aspect of this dichotomy is that you actually get a say – it’s your decision.

Everyone knows that mindset is everything, so why are so many people so fragile?

If you had to pick between being a champion and being a loser, why on Earth would you decide to be a loser?

Wherever you’re at in life right now, you’re responsible. That might sound harsh, but it’s true. Any successful person holds themselves accountable for their position in life, and if you want to be successful in your own right you should follow suit.

The beautiful thing about being responsible for the state of your life is that you can improve your position. Yes, it’s up to you – you can put yourself in a better spot, you can be happier, less anxious, stronger and healthier.

You can be a better human being.

With every moment comes an opportunity to change your life. As Steven Pressfield put it in The War of Art, “There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to alter our destiny.”

This is a heavy burden to bear, though. If every moment carries with it some life-changing influence, then everything matters. This revelation can be overwhelming to say the least, it’s easy to breakdown under that load.

I struggled with this all my life. I still struggle with it.

I’ve felt inadequate in more ways than I can count. I know what it feels like to be a failure, to feel like you’re not good enough, to want to quit all of it.

There were those few years of middle school, there was the loss of family members I felt responsible for but couldn’t save, there was my first real heartbreak, there was borderline failing out of my engineering program, there were lots of rejections from women and companies, there was crippling debt, defeat in competition, and lots more.

But none of that matters, it’s all in the past. I’m here for today, I’m here for right now. It took me way too long to figure out that the trick is — you have to teach yourself how to have faith and how to win.

Even if it means lying to yourself. Fake it ‘til you make it baby.

Lobsters would be a lot better off if they could do this, unfortunately for them, they’re just dumb sea-bugs. Lucky for us, even though we may act like it sometimes, we are not dumb sea-bugs.

You see, we can learn a lot about ourselves by studying lobsters. I picked this up from Jordan Peterson’s book 12 Rules for Life.

Lobsters have a very primeval brain, by large order they operate via dominance hierarchies. They have a sort of counter in their brain that assigns them a dominance number. Humans have this counter too. It sits at the very base of our brain and influences how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us.

You see, dominance hierarchies are part of what makes the whole world go ‘round. Lobsters have dominance hierarchies, and so do humans.

Like humans, lobsters compete for territory and social status. Under certain conditions, lobsters will turn to combat to settle these sorts of disputes. When lobsters throw down there is a winner and a loser, and life doesn’t go on so well for the loser.

Even if a lobster has a proven track record of dominance, a bad defeat will cause its brain to disintegrate and recreate itself in a more subordinate state. Yeah, not good.

Maybe that lobster had one bad day and now he’s a loser for life – that’s rough.

Like I said before – lucky for us, we’re not lobsters.

We don’t have to resign ourselves to a life of failure and misery just because we’ve had a few bad days, weeks, months, or even years. We can pick up the pieces and put our life back together whenever we choose.

This reminds me of a story.

Many years ago when I was a baby freshman in college, I met someone who would become one of my best friends — let’s call him Peter. Peter and I lived a door down from each other on the same floor that year and we’d always get into little scuffles and play small games of asserting dominance.

Peter was a big guy, skinny but six-foot-something and strong as an ox. He was an avid backpacker and was just starting to pick up rock-climbing. I’m not sure if it was the two Nalgenes he’d fill up with Mountain Dew at the dining hall every day or the daily servings of Pop-Tarts he’d wolf down, but this kid was pretty much a less hairy sasquatch.

At that point in my life, I was probably a buck forty soaking wet and five-foot-eight. I put on some muscle over the years but I never quite figured out how to put on any height. So, naturally, I’d lose our hand-fighting battles and what not — but I never gave up. I’m not some punk-ass lobster.

That year involved lots of FaceBook sabotage and after a few months everyone in our friend group kept their eyes peeled and their computers locked, but one night in the study lounge I saw a beautiful opportunity. I colluded with one of our friends and she snatched Peter’s laptop and began running down the hall with it.

My initial plan was to fight him off for a bit, just to give her enough time to post a funny status — but then I saw something better. As Peter got up and turned to chase down his laptop, the waistband of his tighty-whities shined under the fluorescent lights.

My heart jumped out of my chest and I lurched forward, scooping under that waistband with both of my hands. I pulled up with my entire body and the force of ten-thousand suns. I’m pretty sure I got his feet off the floor. He howled and let out a cry of defeat, ending up on all fours. It was glorious.

The point of the story is — despite how humiliating and dehumanizing that loss was for him, Peter didn’t relinquish a single ounce of his domineering nature or aggressive tendencies. He took that loss, I’m sure with some humility, and got right back on the horse.

Peter, if you’re reading this — I love you man. I’m sorry that I had to share this story but it’s important that people understand the message.

Maybe things aren’t going your way right now, but that doesn’t mean life will or should always be that way. Quit moping around and stop acting like some loser lobster.

Seriously, you act like that and others will start to see you as a chump – they will assign you a low dominance number and life will get worse for you. Your brain’s serotonin production will wane and you’ll be even more unhappy and anxious and your life will suck.

You’ve got to learn to pick yourself up. Failure isn’t absolute unless you’re dead. It’s hard at first, but you can teach yourself how to win. Then you’ll be a winner and life will be good.

Give your life some structure, get into a routine. Wake up at the same time every day and do something that makes you feel accomplished – it doesn’t matter how small, just that it makes you feel accomplished. It could be going through some sun salutations, going for a walk, or even just making your bed and taking a shower.

Watch the company you keep – crabs love to pull each other back down into the bucket. If you have vampires in your life, cut them out.

Eat like an adult, sleep like a rock, and play like a child. Props to Dan John for the first and last of those pieces of advice, they’re invaluable.

A funny thing happens when you start acting like a winner. Not only will you see yourself as someone who is competent and able, but others will too. Life will start to get better for you and good things will come your way — you’ll be calm and happy instead of anxious and depressed, and you’ll find it easier to communicate with others and build relationships.

So, keep your chin up. Stand up straight and set your shoulders back. Face the challenges of life instead of bracing for failure. See change as an opportunity, not a disaster. Keep swinging for the fences and go slay the dragon.